This is a guest post from the inimitable Ms Dolores Wagner, a key operative at The Dead Letter Office, a prestigious agency dedicated to the preservation of epistolary etiquette and now suffering because of funding cuts under the New Government. Ms Wagner tries to keep the flame burning. This is not her best work, but I think she was perhaps a bit flustered because she was talking to the Holy Ghost, who she cares deeply about. I am not sure at this stage whether the Holy Ghost has accepted her invitation to the Alderman, but I will keep you posted.
Dear Holy Ghost,
Apologies, for it has been some time since my last letter. But I was delighted to hear your name mentioned at the splendid monarchical celebration last night, and it spurred me on to finally make contact with you again.
The ceremony last night was delightful. Wasn’t it excellent publicity for both the monarchy and the church? It renewed my faith in elaborate, archaic traditions. I have only one concern. It was said that Jesus was the spouse of God. This confused me, as I had thought that Jesus was God’s son? We should be careful about what we say – neighbouring faiths will be quick to allege impropriety.
What about you, Ghost, are you seeing anyone? I’d like to get you know better, but you’re a hard nut to crack. There was that one time when I was 21 that you moved inside me, but even then, it felt like you were not really there – present in spirit but not in body. Still, I give thanks for it.
You never got much air-time during church services – I don’t think that people really understood you – an ephemeral creature – keeping to yourself most of the time and then coming out every now and then, often late to events and always inscrutable and mystical. Perhaps you are tormented by some dark secret?
I envisage you as a kind of immanent-in-everything type, like laundry powder added to our washing. At the end, we know it’s worked if all the clothes are clean and yet the traces of the liquid are magically gone. You do a lot more than you get credit for, but fail to get the recognition because your work is often invisible. I feel like you’re the most likely to break through of hidebound traditions, and embrace a more personal, inclusive mystical narrative of Christian spirituality.
How is your family? I’m a little worried about God’s mental health. He’s not always light work, with his wrath and patronising benevolence, but we all know that he’s the guy to turn to when you need to get a job done – a real head-kicker. But lately he’s been writing these strange status updates, like: “Bi-winning means never having to say your sorry” (so unlike God to confuse the possessive pronoun ‘your’ with the conjunctive “you’re”), and “I will stop the chariots of fire and protect our quality of life with semi-automatics.” Why God would need to use a semi-automatic is completely beyond me.
Jesus, as always, is a big softie, a foot-kissing incarnation of forgiveness. He’s the family pet, and he deserves it. He doesn’t really do much at the moment, but we still really appreciate what he did for us. I have heard that he’s lying low now until the second coming – fair enough, crucifixion can’t have been easy and everyone needs some time out every now and then.
Do you think the marriage between Princess Kate and Prince Harry will last? The ceremony was absolutely beautiful but I was a bit alarmed about the way her finger swelled when he tried to put the ring on. I’m worried that it’s a sign he wants to abdicate. Can you shed any light on this issue?
Perhaps it would be better to talk about these things in person. I’m busy every night this week, but would you like to go for a drink next Sunday night? How about the Alderman on Lygon St? I think you would really like it there. It has a quiet, moody, and contemplative atmosphere, and delicious deep-fried tofu chips from the restaurant next door. I doubt many people there will recognise you, so we should be able to chat in peace and quiet.
Thankyou, and I remain your humble and affectionate friend,
Ms Dolores Wagner
Finnish Whaler 